070425: A One Big Beautiful Independence Day!

Or "Bite Us, Brits" Day

Happy Independence Day! And God Bless America!

America Celebrates Its 249^th Birthday

The Declaration listed nearly two dozen grievances we had against England. Yes, one was “They like warm beer.”

Thank goodness we’ve avoided the woke rewrite of the Declaration. “We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men, women, non-binary, gender-fluid and furries are self-imaged equal … unless they are white, straight or like Lee Greenwood.”

Trump Kicks Off the Year-Long 250^th Birthday Celebration

President Trump kicked off America 250 last night at the Iowa State Fairgrounds.

It was George Washington, who while farming corn on his back 40 heard a voice, “If you build a Nation, they will come.”

Trump announced that America 250 will include a UFC fight at the White House.

It’ll feature the bloodiest braws at the White House since Hillary went after Bill.

The catch? The fighters will have to compete in period uniforms.

There will also be a sports competition featuring high school athletes from all 50 states called “The Patriot Games”

Like what, a rowing competition across the Delaware River on Christmas night?

A horse race around Boston to inform locals the British are coming?

A tea-dumping competition?

Another Classic Trump Line: “I say goodnight First Lady, my darling, because it reminds me that I’m president.”

They may never give him a Nobel Prize, but he may get a prime slot at The Laugh Factory.

Today Trump Signs the Massive One Big Beautiful Bill Act

How great is that act for people named Bill? “Hi, honey. It’s your one big beautiful Bill calling.”

The House passed the Big Beautiful Bill Thursday, meeting Trump’s goal of having it on his desk by Independence Day.

A miracle? Like Eric Swalwell passing up boinking a Chinese spy. Like Nancy Pelosi passing up a plastic surgeon. Like Ilhan Omar passing up booty calls at her family reunions.

This is yet another huge win for President Trump

He’s racking up so many wins his new Secret Service codename is “Harlem Globetrotter.”

The vote only came after Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries delayed the vote by speaking for 8 ½ hours. Without saying anything at all.

It is the longest floor speech in the history of the House of Representatives. Think of all the great members of congress on our history. And now the record is held by someone who spent 8 ½ hours going “Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

Biden Blasts Bill, Claims European Leaders Want Him Engaged

Joe Biden snuck out of his crypt to decry the One Big Beautiful Act.

Of course, for all he knew he was reading the instructions for his TV remote.

Biden said in an interview that European leaders are calling, asking “me to get engaged.”

Yeah, to a kindly nurse that, unlike Dr. Jill, won’t allow you to embarrass yourself any further.

And what exactly did you tell Churchill and Napoleon, Mr. President?

He also said a lot of Democrat and Republican colleagues are calling “just to bounce things off me.”

Great. Now he thinks he’s a trampoline.

Report: Zohran Mamdani Listed Himself as a Black Man on his College Application

So he’s a LYING antisemetic communist cop-hater.
“So?” asked Native American leader Elizabeth Warren.

Have a Happy Fourth! Keep all your fingers, and we’ll see you next time.