032026 Dispatch: Everything I Need to Know About the Iran War I Learned from 'A Christmas Story'

It’s Friday, March 20, and a new dispatch is in hand.

Below, a simple explanation for the Iran War. But first …

Spring Officially Arrives This Weekend

As the poet says, “And a young man’s fancy turns to March Madness.” And an old man’s fancy turns to mulch.

Nothing beats walking through the garden and saying, “Hey, bud.”

Sink Hole Opened Up Near the U.S. Capitol Wednesday Afternoon

Like everything else in the Capitol, it immediately swallowed up our tax dollars.

The space is almost as big as the space between AOC’s ears.

He Went There

When asked by a Japanese reporter Thursday why he didn’t notify Japan in advance of the attack on Iran, Trump asked, “Why didn’t you tell me about Pearl Harbor?”

The Trump Oval Office needs a two-drink minimum and an open-mike night.

Texas Democrat Senate Nominee James Talarico Used to Say Ending Meat Consumption is “Existential”

Coming out against meat in Texas is like … coming out against meat in Texas.

For those keeping track, Talarico thinks God is gender fluid, chopping healthy body parts off of kids is spiffy, and meat is bad. One question: Has he come out against football yet?

Actually, this shape-shifting creep is now posting ads showing him eating barbecue. With all the credibility of Liz Warren downing brewskies.

Everything I Need to Know About the Iran War I Learned from ‘A Christmas Story’

Let me explain the whole Iran War for you. The Iranians are Scut Farkus, the bully with the yellow teeth in “A Christmas Story.” Picking on, beating on, threatening, humiliating along with its little proxy, Ralphie and every other kid in the neighborhood.

The alley the kids find themselves racing through is the Strait of Hormuz. Is today the day, Farkus jumps down and attacks? Maybe yes, maybe no.

The threat from Farkus is always imminent. Some, like Joe Kent, might pretend there’s no imminent threat because at the moment Farkus is only coiled to attack, looking for an opportunity, but Farkus is always out there lurking.

And taunting. And taunting. And taunting. “I’ve got enough enriched uranium for 11 nukes. What are you going to do about it? Huh? Huh?”

Finally, the good kid Ralphie says enough, jumps on the kid with yellow teeth and beats the living snot out of him. Wails on him mercilessly. All the frustration and payback for all the years of bullying. All the 47 years.

For 47 years, Iran has been bullying America, even though all along America could have taken the bully out. Bombings, embassy takeovers, blowing up soldiers, attacking our bases, teaming with cartels to smuggle killer drugs into the U.S., trying to take out our presidents and high-ranking officials … on and on and on.

At some point, Iran and the U.S. were going to throw down. It was inevitable. Denying that is ignorance. The only question was whether it would be in a time and place of our choosing … or Iran’s. And Iran’s time of choosing would involve nuclear weapons. Because unlike Farkus, Iran’s mullahs are not just bullies. They are psychopathic. Apocalyptic.

You’re getting a glimpse of that with the attacks on its Sunni neighbors. While we seek a Golden Age, they seek to set the world aflame, ultimately with the glow of nuclear holocaust to usher in their messiah.

We did not choose this war. We only chose the time and place where it ends.

And when it does end, with the bully vanquished, the world can celebrate … perhaps with a duck dinner at a Chinese restaurant.