020325 Dispatch: Grammys, Groundhogs and Cranky Canadians

Welcome to our first dispatch from the Bananas Republic. I can’t tell you how tickled I am to be your humble correspondent and join with you on this adventure.

Canadians Mad After Trump Imposes Hefty Tariffs

President Trump kept his promise over the weekend and imposed 25% tariffs on Canadian and Mexico over their failure to keep drugs and illegal immigrants from coming into our country. Canada responded by promising to blast American border towns with Alanis Morrisette deep tracks. Actually, Canada retaliated by putting 25% tariffs on about $100 billion in U.S. goods, while British Columbia Premier David Eby vowed to block imports of booze from red states.

Ironically, there are red states that would still give Canada Bud Light for free.

Outgoing Prime Minister Justin Trudeau urged Canadians not to vacation in Florida in protest of Trump’s move. The temperature in Montreal at 8 pm last night was 9 degrees. The temperature in Miami at 8 pm was 73 degrees. Good luck with that one, Justin.

However, because we here in the Bananas Republic watchtower want to be peace-makers and problem solvers, we offer a diplomatic solution: Come to Miami, plant a protest sign next to your beach chair and we promise to pretend to believe you when you tell us curling is a sport.

Panama Backs Away from China After Rubio Visit

“Wait. Panama’s a real place? Not just a Van Halen song?” Yes, it is a real place, with a real vital canal that we built, and lately a real cozy relationship with China. However, after Trump’s threats to take the canal back and a visit from Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Panamanian President Jose Raul Mulino announced Sunday evening, Panama won’t renew its participation with China’s Belt and Road Initiative. In fact, they want to end it early.

Mulino is so worried about Trump’s intentions, he also vowed not to play Chinese checkers with his grandchildren.

Secretary of Defense Cancels Identity Month Celebrations

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced over the weekend, he’s cancelling all “identity month” celebrations within the DoD. Bad news for those who sell rainbow flags near the Pentagon.

Said Hegseth, “Efforts to divide the force – to put one group ahead of another – erode camaraderie and threaten mission execution. We will focus on the character of their service instead of their immutable characteristics.”

Meaning, thumbs down to Black History Month, thumbs up to Camouflage History Month.

Meanwhile, a bit of a mystery. Why did family and friends of the pilot on that Army Black Hawk helicopter that slammed into that American Airlines flight last week scrub her social media before allowing her name to be released?

Let’s hear what’s on the black box before fixing to put on the tin foil hats, but there’s something they don’t want the American people to see. We did pay for that helicopter and her salary, so we’re gonna have to be told at some point.

We do know that Capt. Rebecca M. Loback had spent the past two years working at the Biden White House as a military social aid.

We also know that our hearts break for and our prayers go out to the families and friends of all who were lost.

Enough somber. Let’s get silly.

Quick Peeks

Anti-ICE protesters completely shut down L.A.’s 101 freeway yesterday afternoon. Traffic was stopped in both directions. Usually traffic on the 101 is stopped in both directions.

Border czar Tom Homan told Fox News on Sunday that border crossings are down 93% under Trump. He also revealed that he was passed over for the lead role in a Broadway revival of The Most Happy Fella.

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky now claims Ukraine has only received $75 billion of the $177 billion in aid sent from the United States. Funny how when he was over here all the time asking for more money, he never asked “Where’s the other money you were supposed to send.” Incidentally, Zelensky won a Grammy last night for his cover of ABBA’s “Gimme Gimme Gimme.”

The Grammy Awards

Yes, Grammys were held last night in Los Angeles. Congratulations to Selena Gomez. She won her first Grammy for Best Performance with a Teeny-Tiny Violin.

Former President Jimmy Carter won a posthumous Grammy for narrating his audiobook Last Sundays in Plains. Interestingly, it’s the second time he’s won. Barack Obama has also picked up two Grammys and Bill Clinton one in the past.

Not to knock the achievement, but do you know who never won a Grammy? Jimi Hendrix didn’t win a Grammy, neither did ABBA, Queen, Bob Marley, Janis Joplin, Diana Ross … the guy who played cowbell on Blue Oyster Cult’s Don’t Fear the Reaper.

Kanye West’s wife, Kim Kardashian look-alike, Bianca Censori appeared naked on the red carpet in a mini-dress of completely sheer fabric.

Somewhere Cher was thinking, “Even I wouldn’t think of doing that.”

Unfortunately, that somewhere doesn’t appear to be another country as she had promised before the election. Oh, let’s cut Cher some slack. She has had #1 hits in every decade since the invention of the Victrola.

“Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves” used to be her hit song. Lately, it’s been a recruitment poster for federal government job fairs. But I digress.

Censori’s stunt was crass and cheap, even by Hollywood standards. And pathetic. She’s so desperate to mimic Kim Kardashian, she’s tried convincing her step-father to transition

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Will Smith’s son Jayden was spotted on the red carpet wearing a black castle on his head.

I once wore a white castle on my chest, but that’s because me, fast food and driving do not mix.

Groundhog’s Day

Yesterday was Groundhog’s Day. up in Punxsutawney, Pa., the famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil did see his own shadow, and a bunch of jolly folks in top hats. Tradition holds this means six more weeks of complaining about winter.

Meanwhile, Justin Trudeau popped up and saw Fidel Castro’s shadow.

Joe Biden popped out of his hole and promptly forgot why.

Donald Trump saw his shadow and thought it was the most beautiful shadow, a perfect shadow and vowed to make shadows great again.

And that’s today’s dispatch from our Bananas Republic. If you enjoyed, please share with friends and even people you only pretend to like. We’d love to build a Bananas Republic insurgency, but need your help to do it!